Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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