Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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