How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
