So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
