finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
