Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
