I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize