Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
