He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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