the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize