Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I puked a lego.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
