i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
