I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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