Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
