I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
