If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
