Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
