I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize