Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
