8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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