i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
