my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
