Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
