i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
