I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Vodka?
Forever.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
