I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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