dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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