i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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