Pappa wants mamma naked
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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