Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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