The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
