Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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