Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
