Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
