the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
