He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
