Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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