I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
