I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
