I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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