Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
