I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
