my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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