Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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