A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
