fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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