I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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