she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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