Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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