My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
