Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
