she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
