You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
