no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
