Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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