Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
