Don't make out with my wife yet
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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