There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
