My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
