I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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