She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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