he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
