mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
